Can I change my answer?

Beginning the online dating journey, only a few months ago, one of the first of many questions I had to answer was “what are you looking for?”

Hmmm…

That’s tough to put into words at this point. Not sure if this is in the drop down menu:

I want to date. Just that. Go out with new people (okay men) and have a reason to get dressed in more than sweats or jeans and t-shirt. A little motivation to put on makeup, maybe a little perfume, and definitely wear earrings.

I’m “looking for” a purpose in my day, or night, every so often. Not everyday, just something to look forward to in the week besides the next episode of Rick and Morty, or reruns of Shameless on Netfilx.

My tastes in entertainment are diverse to say the least.

I’m looking for someone to talk to, other than my two teenaged sons and two cats – neither of which are decent conversationalists…unless they’re hungry. I would love to have a conversation about something other than what’s for dinner, what we’re watching on TV tonight or discussing when was the last time they took a shower, did their laundry or brushed their teeth.

I’m looking for someone who makes me smile. Makes me laugh, and not just that polite type of laughing you do at cocktail parties or with your boss at the after hours events, like real from the heart belly kind of laughter. Shared laughter though, not just me laughing while they are doing a “bit” trying to be funny (we’ve talked about this…)

I’m looking for someone to share my world, and who will also share their world with me, but slowly. I don’t want a whirlwind romance (been there, done that) but a slow warming up to eventually a full cozy fire that we keep feeding. I guess we’d call that intimacy, but from our hearts and souls, not just our bodies.

And that brings us to the big ask, once you’ve made it to the intimacy level of dating, there should be great sex.

Yes, “great” not luke warm this will work kind of sex. To be with someone who will ignite my passion and make my heart flutter just thinking of being with them – to feel their touch, their kiss, their breath on the back of my neck. To enjoy each other enough to allow for laughter, deep talks, and playful exploration while still feeling every nerve ending opening up to receive their touch, their kiss. An experience that gives me a reason to smile, in the middle of the day, as I replay it in my mind while I fold laundry, go grocery shopping or cook dinner.

Connection, not just the mechanics of sex, that’s what I am truly searching for.

But that comes after the dating part has progressed, obviously. I’m not a sex on the first date kind of woman, but I’m realizing now that maybe I should hold off until after date four, or five or ten…? Still figuring that one out, sadly.

It’s a case by case decision I realize now.

But at the end of filling out the dating profile, I end up putting “casual, chatting, dating” avoiding the terms “relationship, long term relationship” because I don’t know who I will meet this way, so it was hard to say in the beginning. I don’t want to attract someone desperate to be in a relationship, someone I may disappoint by not being as ready as they are for next level relationship goals, or worse someone who will try to overtake my life in the name of love.

It’s a delicate balance, I know.

Now that I’ve dated for a short while, and recently experienced much of what I was looking for with someone, without realizing I was actually looking for it, I want to change my online answer.

I will change my answer. Casual is not enough.

It’s fun in the beginning, but only works if you don’t meet anyone who truly lights up your world or ignites a spark, and it gets old fast. Around the three month mark statistically, from what I’ve been researching through books and online dating coaches, because I don’t trust that I will figure things out on my own. I’m in new territory, in the dating wild, and I need the right tools for my survival so I ask friends, google, read, watch videos…basically, research the hell out of things.

It’s a personality flaw I suppose, but one I can’t stop myself from doing.

There are too many unspoken conversations in the name of keeping things light and casual. To keep it comfortable and easy. But those unspoken words hang there between you, waiting to be asked and answered, and eventually cannot be ignored. Or they are ignored, until it’s too uncomfortable, so you move on to the next “casual” relationship.

Wash, rinse, repeat. No discussion, no explanation. Just move on.

I need more. I want more. But I didn’t know what I wanted until I didn’t get it.

I get it now.

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